The 14th marked one month since dad got terribly sick and was put on a ventilator. While I'm happy he is where he is now with his recovery, he has such a long way to go. A long, long way to go.

His weight last Friday was 126lbs. He was in the 150s when he first entered the hospital. He's lost all his muscle mass. He had already lost most of it by then from the chemo. I'm just so heartbroken that he's having to go through all of this. And then he asked the question I've been hoping he wouldn't think about a couple days ago.

He asked, "Do we know how the cancer is doing?" I said, "No, we're going to have to wait until you get better before they can test you again." Then he said, "If I still have cancer, then what's the point of all of this?"

That's the question that's been looming in my mind for a month. If he still has cancer, is he still a candidate for any treatment? Will he ever be a candidate for a bone marrow transplant again? Will he ever be able to live independently again? All of these have been heavy on my heart and mind. At this point we have to take every day as it comes and not look too far ahead of ourselves.

On Tuesday, Dad failed his swallow test... again. We were told that he did ok, but last night we were told that he really failed it. Imagine not having anything in your mouth for 4 weeks. Anything. No water, no food, nothing. He is desperate to have a drink of water. He needs to gain weight, which he can't do as well through a feeding tube.

I just want need something positive to happen. I feel so defeated. We have all been fighting this battle that seems like a losing one.

And tonight my work is hosting a party for cancer survivors. If I don't sob the whole night, it will be a miracle.

Mark has been so incredibly amazing these last few months. He's fixed me dinner, he's let me endlessly pout and he's even laid out clothes for me to wear when I'm too sad and tired to even think about what I'm wearing. I tell him hourly how great he is and that's not enough.

This has all been extremely overwhelming and heartbreaking. I've had so many personal discussions with dad about things he wants to happen before he ever got sick that I'm scared he will be uncomfortable and miserable when this is all through.

Last Saturday, right after dad was being admitted into the ICU, we were waiting in the waiting room and the doctor came in to get my consent to put dad on a ventilator. He was telling us all these facts and what to expect, etc. and he just paused and asked, "Are you doing all this alone?" and I just started crying. We aren't technically doing this alone, but it sure feels like it at times. I know people don't want to be a burden. I'm tired of hearing the words, "Let me know what I can do." because that means they aren't going to do anything unless i ask. Which isnt something I do.

Anyway, if anyone knows where I can get some luck, let me know.

Hoping and praying, personally, gets me nowhere.

2011, at a glance.

• I got laid off in February; I went to visit Kat in Oklahoma the following week.
• I did a lot of house work. I got a lot "neater" than I used to be. I painted some rooms.
• I got hired at another newspaper, except it's a million times better than the CJ. I love the people I work with. Well, most of them.
• The very week I start working is the week dad gets diagnosed with cancer. Talk about timing.
• The rest has been, well, read the blog.

In 2012....

• I hope that my dad gets the care he needs and gets healthy enough to plant his garden in the spring.
• I plan to make a quilt if dad stays at the hospital like expected.
• I plan to beg Mark to let me get another Olga.
• I hope we start finishing our attic.

Catch-up

They found more cancer in dads brain and spine. He gets radiation every day. Because of his closed eye, mark and I have been switching taking him.

I've come to the heartbreaking realization that I may not have any vacation time come February, so a trip to see the in-laws in London next spring may not be possible. Well see.

I haven't begun getting gifts, and I'm not really in the mood to either. I'm phoning this entire Christmas season in. I didn't even put ornaments on our tree at the thought of having to repackage them. Our lights out front don't match. 1 led and 1 regular strand. It looks ridiculous.

I got us tickets to see Andrew bird in march & I'm oh so excited.

Still in love with dog who is in the process of getting that mega teddy bear look that we all love.

I'm so incredibly exhausted from hoping for the best and getting let down. What has dad ever done to deserve any this? He didn't have enough stem cells to extract today. If he still doesn't tomorrow, he'll have to be given a new plan.

It's just so tiring. And the only person I can vent to is Mark. I know he feels the same way. It's hard to be the one your entire family goes to when they want an update. I don't put the things that keep me up at night on the caring bridge blog for everyone to see.

And it's incredibly disappointing to realize the people that you thought would be there in times like these are so not. Someone even brought up that we hadn't made an effort to come see them. You're right. We haven't.

Anyway, I'm tired and wanted to complain to this blog no one reads.

Seeing all these "thankful" lists on facebook makes me think, "what am I thankful for?" For every one thing I'm thankful for, I have something else that I'm bitter about. That's probably just my problem. I'm thankful for my job, my husband's job and our little family. Am I supposed to be thankful that my dad is alive or should I be bitter that he's having to go through all of this? I've been bitter about it for 3 months now. I'm happy his treatments are working, but he shouldn't have to go through any of this. He's a completely different man than he was 3 months ago and I constantly worry he will never be the same. It's just hard to be thankful when I'm bitter at so much stuff right now.