With the world ending in 2 days, I thought I'd go ahead and round up 2012.
Best Movie I saw in 2012: Magic Mike.
Worst Movie I saw in 2012: Cloud Atlas.
Best Album Of 2012: Hands Of Glory by Andrew Bird, the companion to Break It Yourself (which I didn't really care for.)
Worst Album Of 2012: Born To Die by Lana Del Ray. I actually bought this, listened to it all the way through, considered doing drugs/suicide, then deleted it off every device I own. I've even considered asking for my money back from Apple.
Best Shampoo of 2012: Aveda's Brilliant Shampoo for Textured Hair. Apparently my hair is textured in 2012.
Best Hairstylist of 2012: Tamika at Z Salon. She gets me and, most importantly, my straw-like hair.
Best Radio Station of 2012: 919WFPK. We became sustaining members this year. I'd recommend the station to anyone, especially since they have an app that lets you stream the station (you can also stream in browser on your computer).
Best Boo Of 2012: Mark Justin Shelton of Louisville, KY. Website extraordinaire, head-rubs master and pretty much the nicest person you'll ever meet. No, that's not me playing favorites.
In 2013, I hope to become healthier, happier and more at ease with everything/everyone. I tend to worry too much about the people around me and don't spend time on myself. I still miss Dad every day, but I've come to accept that won't go away. I'd also like to get back to being an artist. I don't really know many graphic designers who still call themselves true artists–I know I don't. Want me to draw you something? No, I don't want to.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Told Mark To Go To Dentist:
me: well im making you an appointment
Mark: ugh
ugh
uggggghhhh
me: with a doctor too
Mark: waaahhhh
what
me: GONNA DO THIS
Mark: why
i dont need a doctor
me: why dont you
Mark: im not sick
me: and when you are who will you go to
Mark: well i dont need an apointment yet
you can find one
me: insurance pays for an exam
Mark: i dont want an exam
me: why dont you want to get one
why
you need to
Mark: ughh
me: stop it
Mark: i hate them
me: im doing it
i dont care
Mark: dont make me kill myself
me: dont make me kill myself
Friday, April 13, 2012
In January when Dad got sick, Dad had called my sister and left her a voicemail the night before his repiratory system failed on him & he would not speak normally again. She has kept that voicemail, and I've been so jealous that I didn't ever keep things. I didn't keep cards or anything. Well, until now.
Yesterday, I found 3 voicemails from my Dad dating back to November.
The first was the day before Thanksgiving. He had just received a call asking for another lumbar puncture. I remember that day. His eye had closed on him and he felt awful. Anyway, I listened to the voicemails and immediately bawled. It was so bittersweet to hear his voice. I mean, I hear him in my head all the time, but to be reminded of his voice was so great.
I miss that man so much it hurts. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. To think that a year ago, he was so healthy.
The hospital that treated him has not said one thing to me or my sister. We have been sent a standard grievance packet, but not one thing from his oncologist. The oncologist that waited 3 weeks to tell us that Dad was dying. 3 weeks he could have spent at home. He saw that man and his nurses just about every other day for 6 months. It really pisses me off quite honestly, but I'm trying not to let it bother me so much.
I'd say the best words two people have said to me are, "You'll think of him everyday. Some days those memories will make you cry, some days you'll laugh. But, you'll think of him everyday."
Yesterday, I found 3 voicemails from my Dad dating back to November.
The first was the day before Thanksgiving. He had just received a call asking for another lumbar puncture. I remember that day. His eye had closed on him and he felt awful. Anyway, I listened to the voicemails and immediately bawled. It was so bittersweet to hear his voice. I mean, I hear him in my head all the time, but to be reminded of his voice was so great.
I miss that man so much it hurts. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. To think that a year ago, he was so healthy.
The hospital that treated him has not said one thing to me or my sister. We have been sent a standard grievance packet, but not one thing from his oncologist. The oncologist that waited 3 weeks to tell us that Dad was dying. 3 weeks he could have spent at home. He saw that man and his nurses just about every other day for 6 months. It really pisses me off quite honestly, but I'm trying not to let it bother me so much.
I'd say the best words two people have said to me are, "You'll think of him everyday. Some days those memories will make you cry, some days you'll laugh. But, you'll think of him everyday."
Thursday, March 22, 2012
These past few weeks have been hard. Really hard. I find myself still not completely grasping the fact that Dad is gone. I will never see him again. I will never hear him again. I only find comfort in the fact that he's not going through what he was going through anymore.
I'm angry that he had to go through all that. I'm angry because he should be here, with me. I'm doing all of my garden stuff and planting new grass and I actually cried in the front yard today because I thought of him.
He was our best friend in Louisville. Now, we don't really have anything to do. I've been on the edge of boredom this week. It's been nice to have free time, but it's different. I enjoyed seeing Dad everyday.
My great uncle asked me last weekend what I liked to do outside of work. I paused, then said I'd have to figure that out again. We haven't had a life for 7 months outside of hospitals. I honestly don't know what I like to do anymore.
I'm angry that he had to go through all that. I'm angry because he should be here, with me. I'm doing all of my garden stuff and planting new grass and I actually cried in the front yard today because I thought of him.
He was our best friend in Louisville. Now, we don't really have anything to do. I've been on the edge of boredom this week. It's been nice to have free time, but it's different. I enjoyed seeing Dad everyday.
My great uncle asked me last weekend what I liked to do outside of work. I paused, then said I'd have to figure that out again. We haven't had a life for 7 months outside of hospitals. I honestly don't know what I like to do anymore.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The 14th marked one month since dad got terribly sick and was put on a ventilator. While I'm happy he is where he is now with his recovery, he has such a long way to go. A long, long way to go.
His weight last Friday was 126lbs. He was in the 150s when he first entered the hospital. He's lost all his muscle mass. He had already lost most of it by then from the chemo. I'm just so heartbroken that he's having to go through all of this. And then he asked the question I've been hoping he wouldn't think about a couple days ago.
He asked, "Do we know how the cancer is doing?" I said, "No, we're going to have to wait until you get better before they can test you again." Then he said, "If I still have cancer, then what's the point of all of this?"
That's the question that's been looming in my mind for a month. If he still has cancer, is he still a candidate for any treatment? Will he ever be a candidate for a bone marrow transplant again? Will he ever be able to live independently again? All of these have been heavy on my heart and mind. At this point we have to take every day as it comes and not look too far ahead of ourselves.
On Tuesday, Dad failed his swallow test... again. We were told that he did ok, but last night we were told that he really failed it. Imagine not having anything in your mouth for 4 weeks. Anything. No water, no food, nothing. He is desperate to have a drink of water. He needs to gain weight, which he can't do as well through a feeding tube.
I justwant need something positive to happen. I feel so defeated. We have all been fighting this battle that seems like a losing one.
And tonight my work is hosting a party for cancer survivors. If I don't sob the whole night, it will be a miracle.
His weight last Friday was 126lbs. He was in the 150s when he first entered the hospital. He's lost all his muscle mass. He had already lost most of it by then from the chemo. I'm just so heartbroken that he's having to go through all of this. And then he asked the question I've been hoping he wouldn't think about a couple days ago.
He asked, "Do we know how the cancer is doing?" I said, "No, we're going to have to wait until you get better before they can test you again." Then he said, "If I still have cancer, then what's the point of all of this?"
That's the question that's been looming in my mind for a month. If he still has cancer, is he still a candidate for any treatment? Will he ever be a candidate for a bone marrow transplant again? Will he ever be able to live independently again? All of these have been heavy on my heart and mind. At this point we have to take every day as it comes and not look too far ahead of ourselves.
On Tuesday, Dad failed his swallow test... again. We were told that he did ok, but last night we were told that he really failed it. Imagine not having anything in your mouth for 4 weeks. Anything. No water, no food, nothing. He is desperate to have a drink of water. He needs to gain weight, which he can't do as well through a feeding tube.
I just
And tonight my work is hosting a party for cancer survivors. If I don't sob the whole night, it will be a miracle.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Mark has been so incredibly amazing these last few months. He's fixed me dinner, he's let me endlessly pout and he's even laid out clothes for me to wear when I'm too sad and tired to even think about what I'm wearing. I tell him hourly how great he is and that's not enough.
This has all been extremely overwhelming and heartbreaking. I've had so many personal discussions with dad about things he wants to happen before he ever got sick that I'm scared he will be uncomfortable and miserable when this is all through.
Last Saturday, right after dad was being admitted into the ICU, we were waiting in the waiting room and the doctor came in to get my consent to put dad on a ventilator. He was telling us all these facts and what to expect, etc. and he just paused and asked, "Are you doing all this alone?" and I just started crying. We aren't technically doing this alone, but it sure feels like it at times. I know people don't want to be a burden. I'm tired of hearing the words, "Let me know what I can do." because that means they aren't going to do anything unless i ask. Which isnt something I do.
Anyway, if anyone knows where I can get some luck, let me know.
This has all been extremely overwhelming and heartbreaking. I've had so many personal discussions with dad about things he wants to happen before he ever got sick that I'm scared he will be uncomfortable and miserable when this is all through.
Last Saturday, right after dad was being admitted into the ICU, we were waiting in the waiting room and the doctor came in to get my consent to put dad on a ventilator. He was telling us all these facts and what to expect, etc. and he just paused and asked, "Are you doing all this alone?" and I just started crying. We aren't technically doing this alone, but it sure feels like it at times. I know people don't want to be a burden. I'm tired of hearing the words, "Let me know what I can do." because that means they aren't going to do anything unless i ask. Which isnt something I do.
Anyway, if anyone knows where I can get some luck, let me know.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011, at a glance.
- I got laid off in February; I went to visit Kat in Oklahoma the following week.
- I did a lot of house work. I got a lot "neater" than I used to be. I painted some rooms.
- I got hired at another newspaper, except it's a million times better than the CJ. I love the people I work with. Well, most of them.
- The very week I start working is the week dad gets diagnosed with cancer. Talk about timing.
- The rest has been, well, read the blog.
In 2012....
- I hope that my dad gets the care he needs and gets healthy enough to plant his garden in the spring.
- I plan to make a quilt if dad stays at the hospital like expected.
- I plan to beg Mark to let me get another Olga.
- I hope we start finishing our attic.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Catch-up
They found more cancer in dads brain and spine. He gets radiation every day. Because of his closed eye, mark and I have been switching taking him.
I've come to the heartbreaking realization that I may not have any vacation time come February, so a trip to see the in-laws in London next spring may not be possible. Well see.
I haven't begun getting gifts, and I'm not really in the mood to either. I'm phoning this entire Christmas season in. I didn't even put ornaments on our tree at the thought of having to repackage them. Our lights out front don't match. 1 led and 1 regular strand. It looks ridiculous.
I got us tickets to see Andrew bird in march & I'm oh so excited.
Still in love with dog who is in the process of getting that mega teddy bear look that we all love.
I've come to the heartbreaking realization that I may not have any vacation time come February, so a trip to see the in-laws in London next spring may not be possible. Well see.
I haven't begun getting gifts, and I'm not really in the mood to either. I'm phoning this entire Christmas season in. I didn't even put ornaments on our tree at the thought of having to repackage them. Our lights out front don't match. 1 led and 1 regular strand. It looks ridiculous.
I got us tickets to see Andrew bird in march & I'm oh so excited.
Still in love with dog who is in the process of getting that mega teddy bear look that we all love.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I'm so incredibly exhausted from hoping for the best and getting let down. What has dad ever done to deserve any this? He didn't have enough stem cells to extract today. If he still doesn't tomorrow, he'll have to be given a new plan.
It's just so tiring. And the only person I can vent to is Mark. I know he feels the same way. It's hard to be the one your entire family goes to when they want an update. I don't put the things that keep me up at night on the caring bridge blog for everyone to see.
And it's incredibly disappointing to realize the people that you thought would be there in times like these are so not. Someone even brought up that we hadn't made an effort to come see them. You're right. We haven't.
Anyway, I'm tired and wanted to complain to this blog no one reads.
It's just so tiring. And the only person I can vent to is Mark. I know he feels the same way. It's hard to be the one your entire family goes to when they want an update. I don't put the things that keep me up at night on the caring bridge blog for everyone to see.
And it's incredibly disappointing to realize the people that you thought would be there in times like these are so not. Someone even brought up that we hadn't made an effort to come see them. You're right. We haven't.
Anyway, I'm tired and wanted to complain to this blog no one reads.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Seeing all these "thankful" lists on facebook makes me think, "what am I thankful for?" For every one thing I'm thankful for, I have something else that I'm bitter about. That's probably just my problem. I'm thankful for my job, my husband's job and our little family. Am I supposed to be thankful that my dad is alive or should I be bitter that he's having to go through all of this? I've been bitter about it for 3 months now. I'm happy his treatments are working, but he shouldn't have to go through any of this. He's a completely different man than he was 3 months ago and I constantly worry he will never be the same. It's just hard to be thankful when I'm bitter at so much stuff right now.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Dad just sent me his schedule for November and I'm already tired and thinking about December. I've already semi-decided everyone is getting gift cards to Christmas. I'm already not attending a Thanksgiving, and we'll see about Christmas.
Where did this year go? I can't even remember the last time we visited anyone. I haven't seen my mom since July 4.
Mark has this week off and he's "organizing" everything. Let's just say our house isn't in the best of conditions right now. He's taken everything out of the closets to reorganize. Sigh.
The past few months have really shown me a lot. What I can do. What actually having no time is like. Who matters most. How fast time flies so we shouldn't waste it on things that don't matter. How lucky Mark and I are to have such flexible jobs that allow us to take days off without notice. How much more pleasant a job is where you don't worry about your future every single day. How incredibly strong my dad is.
The goals for this winter:
New windows.
Possibly put insulation in the attic to start the process of finishing it.
Get Olga a coat.
Where did this year go? I can't even remember the last time we visited anyone. I haven't seen my mom since July 4.
Mark has this week off and he's "organizing" everything. Let's just say our house isn't in the best of conditions right now. He's taken everything out of the closets to reorganize. Sigh.
The past few months have really shown me a lot. What I can do. What actually having no time is like. Who matters most. How fast time flies so we shouldn't waste it on things that don't matter. How lucky Mark and I are to have such flexible jobs that allow us to take days off without notice. How much more pleasant a job is where you don't worry about your future every single day. How incredibly strong my dad is.
The goals for this winter:
New windows.
Possibly put insulation in the attic to start the process of finishing it.
Get Olga a coat.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I can make a wishlist a mile long.
Pretty much everything from Madewell.
A bunch of stuff from IKEA.
What I'm getting sometime this week, whenever it eventually gets delivered:
How do people with jobs get anything done? Seriously. Everything is between 9-5. Do people use their personal days to go pick up packages? Go to the dr? If we have work to be done on the house, someone has to be there. If we have quotes that need to be done, someone has to be there. Etc, etc.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
My dad got news that his marrow is cancer free. While that sounds like huge news (and it is, it really is) it's hard to rest easy these days when I have the thought of him getting a bone marrow transplant looming. It's basically like inserting a new immune system into someone. If the donor isn't a good enough match, it could see dad's entire body as something foreign and attack it. That thought makes me sick every time I think about it.
My goal for this weekend is to see 50/50. I've heard nothing but great things. I'm sure I will sob through the whole thing.
We're supposed to get our new couch and loveseat tomorrow!
We never have time to do anything. It took us 3 nights to watch this week's sing-off. That's crazy to think about. I know people say "oh, I'm so busy" and that's because they spend 3 hours on facebook, etc., but we really have no time. I got off early today and came home and sorted through a pile of mail. Literally. for an hour.
Ok, sorry my life's boring and not exciting at all.
My goal for this weekend is to see 50/50. I've heard nothing but great things. I'm sure I will sob through the whole thing.
We're supposed to get our new couch and loveseat tomorrow!
We never have time to do anything. It took us 3 nights to watch this week's sing-off. That's crazy to think about. I know people say "oh, I'm so busy" and that's because they spend 3 hours on facebook, etc., but we really have no time. I got off early today and came home and sorted through a pile of mail. Literally. for an hour.
Ok, sorry my life's boring and not exciting at all.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Best Advice
Best advice for other bloggers?
It's awesome to have a real person in mind when you blog: for example, you could write your blog, in part, for your mom, sister or best friends; that way, your tone will feel authentic and true. It's easy to slip and start writing for some abstract audience, some made-up readers in your head, but then you run the risk of losing your voice and sounding insincere, since you're not really *talking* to anyone. You know what I mean? So it's awesome to really picture WHO you're writing for, and then just write for them. I think everyone has an amazing blog inside them, or a story to tell, and I really encourage people to go for it. Good luck!
via here
It's awesome to have a real person in mind when you blog: for example, you could write your blog, in part, for your mom, sister or best friends; that way, your tone will feel authentic and true. It's easy to slip and start writing for some abstract audience, some made-up readers in your head, but then you run the risk of losing your voice and sounding insincere, since you're not really *talking* to anyone. You know what I mean? So it's awesome to really picture WHO you're writing for, and then just write for them. I think everyone has an amazing blog inside them, or a story to tell, and I really encourage people to go for it. Good luck!
via here
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
I fell in love with a couch yesterday - a cuddler sectional. My dream couch. Found out it can't fit into our living room. Not an issue of it being awkward; it literally is too large for our house. I even considered putting the TV in front of our two windows, but it just won't work. We're going again tonight--this time with dad. We're shopping for him a chair that he can sit in at our house. :)
Mark's parents are coming to Louisville to visit before they go to London. I'm glad they are because it's probably the only way I'd get to see them.
Mark's parents are coming to Louisville to visit before they go to London. I'm glad they are because it's probably the only way I'd get to see them.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Papa Hite
There are few people in this world that I truly love more than anything in this world. My dad is one of them. I've always been close to him. His weekend visitations stretched all the way through college. My sister stopped her visitations when she was 14-15, so for several years it would just be my dad and me. We have our own unspoken language. I know exactly what he's thinking most of the time (even though he does surprise me at his willingness to try new things in the last couple years).
When he was in the hospital, I would go home and just weep at him having to stay there and how unfair it truly is. There are people in this world that don't take care of themselves at all that get to live carelessly throughout life. Dad is the person that cooks low fat rice krispy treats (that are delicious btw. use honey.), he walks every golf course, he's a workhorse (seriously. that man basically did the kitchen demo by himself.), and he's always on the positive side of things. He deserves so much more than what he's going through right now and it kills me. I've had that sinking feeling for weeks now and I'd like it to go away.
When he was in the hospital, I would go home and just weep at him having to stay there and how unfair it truly is. There are people in this world that don't take care of themselves at all that get to live carelessly throughout life. Dad is the person that cooks low fat rice krispy treats (that are delicious btw. use honey.), he walks every golf course, he's a workhorse (seriously. that man basically did the kitchen demo by himself.), and he's always on the positive side of things. He deserves so much more than what he's going through right now and it kills me. I've had that sinking feeling for weeks now and I'd like it to go away.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
So Mark tells me this last night when I got home from work (about 12:30)...
M: Oh my gosh, I'm so sore. I ran like 3 miles tonight. I lost my sandals. I ran in the rain, on concrete on bare feet.
J: What! How?
M: Olga saw a dog. She chased after it. I chased after her. She's so fast. I lost my sandals about 3 blocks down, I puked.
J: (dying laughing)
M: I'm glad you're getting enjoyment out of this.
J: I'm just glad it was you and not me, because we'd have a lost dog right now if it were me.
M: When I finally caught her in an alley, I was too tired to yell at her, so I just held her and laid there for a while. My feet hurt.
He then continues to tell me more and more details of the story. It only gets better and better the more I hear it. Apparently he called our neighbor like 3 times trying to get him to go after Olga with his car b/c Mark couldn't keep up. Seriously though, we are both lucky she's safe at home right now.
This is why our dog needs to go to the dog park often. We may need to invest in some dog babysitting. It's lame and sounds insane, but she's a totally different dog when she's had a chance to run free.
Anywho, my dad may get out of the hospital today, and I plan on doing WHATEVER he wants for the next few days before he has to do another round of chemo. This includes a pizza party.
M: Oh my gosh, I'm so sore. I ran like 3 miles tonight. I lost my sandals. I ran in the rain, on concrete on bare feet.
J: What! How?
M: Olga saw a dog. She chased after it. I chased after her. She's so fast. I lost my sandals about 3 blocks down, I puked.
J: (dying laughing)
M: I'm glad you're getting enjoyment out of this.
J: I'm just glad it was you and not me, because we'd have a lost dog right now if it were me.
M: When I finally caught her in an alley, I was too tired to yell at her, so I just held her and laid there for a while. My feet hurt.
He then continues to tell me more and more details of the story. It only gets better and better the more I hear it. Apparently he called our neighbor like 3 times trying to get him to go after Olga with his car b/c Mark couldn't keep up. Seriously though, we are both lucky she's safe at home right now.
This is why our dog needs to go to the dog park often. We may need to invest in some dog babysitting. It's lame and sounds insane, but she's a totally different dog when she's had a chance to run free.
Anywho, my dad may get out of the hospital today, and I plan on doing WHATEVER he wants for the next few days before he has to do another round of chemo. This includes a pizza party.
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